Chronically Caz

Well its been a while, and I've been ILL! Finally it would appear my not too debilitating Crohns has muscled its way to the front of our lives and its stamping, howling and making its presence felt.
Since Christmas I have had x rays, 2 trips to A&E, 2 ambulances, 3 days in hospital and more drugs than Ive ever had before!

I had to finally admit defeat and accept a prescription for Prednisolone- a vile hateful drug that is very effective in treating inflammation, but brings with it a sackful of horrible side effects that make you wonder if its worth taking them in the first place. It is a steroid and causes facial bloating, known as "moon face" it also makes me shake, so I take other meds to counter act that. It also makes you hungry. Not just peckish, but ravenous beast hungry. "Don't sit next to me too still or I will eat you" hungry. Climbing through the cupboards eating the packed lunch fodder hungry. It also makes me sweat. and sweat, and sweat. My hair is falling out, my tongue is split painfully down the middle, I have spots, Im bloated. I have mood swings. I cry a lot. Im exhausted. So so tired. This is exaggerated by the two injections I administer into my stomach every other monday- they cause major fatigue, as well as the nice symmetrical bruising either side of my (bloated) stomach. I then take another drug to counter act the heartburn the other drugs cause, my usual anti depressant and codeine when the pain is really bad (daily).

Hopefully however, this will be short term, as my consultant has decided that the time has come to refer me to the surgeon for a bowel resection operation. This involves surgically removing the diseased portion of my bowel and sewing it back up to make it good as new. This is an op that carries a fab success rate, with many people obtaining full remission for a number of years, being free of meds and well. It also carries the possibility of either a permanent or temporary stoma bag- something I should imagine would take a lot of adjusting to, but you just do. If i had a pound for every person that recoils and says "Ewwww I could NEVER inject myself" when they find out this is what I do I would be very rich. and actually, do you know what? you could. I have diabetic friends who inject a hell of a lot more often than my once a fortnight. you do what you have to. 

So throughout this period of illness I have been battling my demons on a daily basis. Its hard to get up and out no matter how ill you feel, despite knowing deep down it will make you better. I can't remember the last time I ran (well, more on this in a second) but thankfully due to my little furry nurse Fiona the Jackapoo I have to get out every day with her. 

The last few days I must admit have been hard. I have taken to my sofa, licking my wounds and feeling sorry for myself. Im fed up of being ill, Im fed up with being a burden on my family, I feel guilty watching my husband come home from work exhausted and then have to pick up the slack that I haven't managed. Yesterday my nearly80yearold Father in Law who has recently been bed bound with flu collected a prescription and delivered it to me. My sister had to rush to my house and call me an ambulance after I had a funny turn due to all my meds and I genuinely thought I was dying. Im fat, I can't eat healthily as most things that are considered healthy are like kryptonite to a crohns tummy (fruit, veg, fibre, wholemeal things) 

Yet this morning when I woke up the sun was shining. Despite daring to eat some salad last night I was in not too bad pain. I got dressed into my running gear and thought to myself sometimes even getting into the gear is the hardest bit. I decided to take Fiona to my local woods and wore my trainers not my wellies as it is that little bit drier after the torrential rain we've had for what feels like about 3 years..............It was sunny, bright and cold. The woods is awash with birds, the stream is trickling, there are crocuses, daffodils, snowdrops and dogs of all varieties. Suddenly I found myself at the top of a downhill path. Come on, I said to myself, you've got this. JUST RUN. It doesn't have to be a half marathon, or a 10k, or a 5k. It has to be one foot in front of the other. 

So like the great Forrest Gump before me, I just ran. Not far, not fast. But I ran. One foot in front of the other. One more step along the world I go. One step at a time. Because I can. Today is a good day, and I am well enough to have a little trot along the woods. Tomorrow may be a bad day and I might not be able to. But believe me, if I can, I will, because right here, right now, despite the being bloating, and balding, and bad tempered I feel inspired and nourished by one tiny run through the woods. So far I would say that has been the best prescription!