Race Day........The post mortem

So today we did the Bristol 10k. For some reason I ended up with a red number, which is the first wave that goes behind the elite (HA.HA.HA) and before the yellow and green (e.g: most normal people) However I saw this as a 15 min head start and psychologically it worked brilliantly as I wasn't struggling along with the stragglers from the start! Even though all my friends who started after me over took me I still felt mentally ok abut my pace etc.

So after mother nature deciding to hit me with "the curse" on Friday I was very worried about running on day 3 of my cycle- a day when I normally curl up in a ball with a hot water bottle and a cold flannel for the hormonal headache.............Great timing

So my race went something like this;

Km1: OMG Im in with fast people. Must keep up. Cant breathe. Cant breathe. Need to slow down. Shit Im in red. Cant slow down, they will recognise me for imposter I am. Glad I have inhaler.

KM2: YAY! Its now a 9km. Oh! I need a wee. Ok Head to portaloo on Portway. Yes, a nice little jog along the portway to the loo. Why am I running? Why did I want to do this? STUPID sport. AM old and fat. Cant breathe. Need a wee.

KM3: Ok. 3 down. It always gets easier after 3. Oh! I can breathe! Shit was that a green number? Oh no everyones overtaking me. Wheres that loo? Shoulders feel more relaxed.......Daft Punk sing to me and spur me on on the iPod- harder better faster stronger- feel momentarily like a proper runner

KM4: OMG nearly halfway. Look theres everyone coming back down the Portway the other side. Still haven't seen a loo. Why am I doing this? Its raining. Im fat. Oooooh!! Don't stop me now on iPod. Just what I needed.

KM5: Coming back down the portway now. Fab! Homeward bound. Britney Spears keeps me company on the iPod and buoys me up a bit. Get to water station and have a few glugs. Rub water on face, remember I have Race Day Make up applied. Why is my big toe numb?

KM6: Oooh this is where it REALLY hurt last year.  Maybe it will again. Maybe I ought to walk. Oh! I have a gel in my pouch. Have a gel. feel like a twat having a gel on a 10k and get middle class guilt about chucking the wrapper on the floor. Im still running! Its a miracle. And I can breathe

KM7: Ow. Bit hurty in the bum cheek now. Haven't seen any supporters I know. Starting to feel a bit over it now. Why am I doing this? Its ONLY 3k now. Get on with it. OOOOHHHH theres the TMR supporters. get given some jelly babies. Realise chewing means I can't breathe. Am still running. Or plodding.

KM8: Pat Bentar "Hit me with your best shot" on iPod. Ive got this. AM invincible. But my bum hurts. Stop and stand still for a minute. Realise I feel really dizzy. Wobble slightly. A lady runs past me and says "Come ON! You can do this. Not far now" Thank you, I say, I needed that, and start to plod on again.

KM9: Loads of spectators now. You can't stop the beat from Hairspray comes on iPod and makes me whoop as thats my "dig deep" training song. Running round Bristol city centre. Not many thoughts now. 1k to go. Ive got this. Then I spot my family- husband, all 4 kids and in laws! Run over and get a hug off my boys. Promptly burst into tears and run off. See the 500metres sign. Try to compose self and keep going.

 KM10: It doesn't feel real as I get over the finish line. I know my time is much better than last year but just feel hot, cold and tired!


Its now 6.15pm and I have looked up my time, looked at loads of pics and had a big carvery!
I am shattered and can't think of anything funny to say so I will be back tomorrow when Im over it and can start looking toward the half marathon. OMG...........

Lip up Fatty or How many bowling balls are in YOUR pants?

So today I mentioned to a (male) friend about Sundays 10k. "Oh yes" said He. "You're running it aren't you, although, to be fair with YOUR running speed its more like walking pace" *guffaw*
He then went on to justify saying this by saying "well I guess if someone like me *points at own skinny physique* were to run with your extra weight it would be slow too, as it would be like I was running carrying bowling balls cos of the extra weight"........

Now for some reason I have been feeling more and more apprehensive about the 10k as it approaches. I was very slow last year and this year I feel I may be equally as slow or slower but I've been feeling ok about it as I have run consistently for the last 6 months and whilst Im still slow, for the first time ever I'm still doing it and have longer term goals to keep me going. With the support of my running buddies I have made peace with my weightloss goals and slow running style.

Why then did that one comment make me start up all the negative thoughts again. My internal monologue said "see- why are you even attempting a 10k again? you were shit last time you'll be shit again. You are a laughing stock. Everyones just humouring you. You will always be the fat bird at the back and have you SEEN your bum in your running leggings?" and so on.

I feel absolutely devastated that one off cuff comment could hurt so much. He is not a nasty man, and is quite good friend. I genuinely think he just "didn't" think. He is a runner. Maybe he thinks women shouldn't run? Maybe he's gutted he can't do the 10k (I know he's working sunday)? Maybe fat runners offend him?

I did what I needed to in this situation.....I went to my friends on #thismumruns and have had more ressurance than I could have dreamt of. And I have remembered that I am proud......

*I am proud of my body that has produced 4 wonderful children over the last 18 years
* I am proud of the fact I run despite having a nasty disease (Crohns) and being on hardcore medication that I have inject myself with bi-weekly and being so anaemic I have iron infusions
* I am proud of the fact I have a fantastic husband who is nothing but supportive of me in every thing I do, running included (he is online booking us flights to Dublin for a couple of nights away as I type this)
*I am proud that I was Mays "fat runner of the month" on toofattorun.co.uk
*I am proud that I have found the best group of running mates a girl could wish for who champion me every step of the way and I can always rely on to pick up my metaphorical bowling balls, should they ever metaphorically fall out of my pants on  race day!!!
Between us we have more balls than any cruel hearted man could ever dream of having in his pants!!

XXXX

The changing room....

So this evening I went to the gym to do my 25min easy run. Which was fine. Then I went for a dip in the pool, and a flop in the steam room. So far so pleasant. Running went without a hitch, so I was happy about that as its my last one before the 10km.
So then I went and had a shower and went to the changing room. Ah the changing room. What a wondrous place.
I went into the bit where my locker was, retrieved my things from the locker and started to remove my swimsuit. There was someone elses stuff on the bench but I though nothing of it until after I had rolled off my soggy swimsuit and I heard the click of the private cubicle in that area.

Out of the private cubicle pops a lovely, spritely, tiny fit looking gym nymph. Now DISCLAIMER- I am not dissing this lady for being little and tiny and fit and petit and tiny and fit and young and lovely- I go to a gym that likes to think its quite exclusive and smart and it attracts many spritely young fit things. It does spinning at pre coffee type times in the morning for the love of all things holy! SO this young springy small lady comes out of the cubicle (fully dressed) and proceeds to sit down to dry her feet. (I just give mine a cursory wipe on the towel when its on the floor but hey! If she has time to dry between each (tiny) toe then all power to her.) I meanwhile was trying not to flash my ample bits at the poor girl. Now I have no qualms about stripping off in communal areas- I have 4 kids and I think there are only about 3 members of staff left at Southmead Hospital who haven't seen my fouffe, and I share a school run with one of my old midwives, and every time we give a cheery wave in the morning I snigger at the thought of the fact she's seen bits of me I haven't!
So back to the changing room and Im trying to get changed without scaring the poor girl......As I mentioned in a previous blog post I have been stuffing my face lately and have put on a few pounds. Now the first thing that stops fitting when I put on weight is my pants. So I arranged my towel around my neck to cover my (pendulous) bosoms and and jump into my pants quickly. However when it then came to wrestling my (enormous) bosoms into my bra my pants kept rolling down under my belly. It was like when you try to put a rat with rigour mortis in an old tea bag box and its tail keeps springing out. What? You've never done that? Remind me to tell you that story at a later date

So anyway- my knickers are rolling down, my boobs are covered finally by my (DD) bra and I go to put on my (skinny) jeans. Well, not skinny, as they are a size bigger than a 14,  but they are skinny fit.
Ever tried to put skinny fit jeans on after swimming? (she's still drying her feet btw)
So I get my jeans over my feet, (did I mention I have big scabs and bruises on my feet and knees where I "had a fall" last week) so Im hopping into my jeans making "heave" noises like a one woman tug o war team trying to avoid my hurty bits.  I get my jeans on, and reach for my top so I can stop scaring the poor girl. I mean, we are both adult females, but our bodies are about as far removed as, say, a gorilla, and a marmoset. At that point I realise that the make up I applied carefully this morning is now down my face so I look like a semi naked Alice Cooper.
Finally the lovely lady leaves and gives me a shy smile as she goes (bless her). I wipe my face with a wipe to remove the make up (finally! a useful thing in my gym bag) and go to put my shoes on.......
Except I have forgotten my bloody shoes, so back on go my sweaty trainers for the walk to the car with the "I forgot my normal shoes but have my normal clothes on" walk of shame................

Eating and cheating and lycra weirdo meeting.......

So I have been trying to eat "clean" this week, I have got back into the breakfast habit and have been having salmon and cottage cheese which is as far removed from the dreaded cereal as I can go so I can bear it (weird post childhood cereal phobia- goes hand in hand with a phobia of orange squash especially when served in hot tuppaware cups.....)
Lunch has been pretty good - salad and a protein (chicken/lamb/ham) jazzed up with some dressing and Ive been snacking on cubes of emmenthal and gruyere and mixed unsalted nuts. I thought I was hungry this afternoon then remembered my cheese and nuts and they really made me satisfied.

Last night I made "fakeaway" doner kebab meat and it was AMAZING! I had it with roasted veg, salad and a gluten free pitta bread. I have upped my veg intake dramatically and am trying to build meals around veg- and go with as few processed crappy carbs as possible.

Today I had one biscuit at work literally  because they were on my desk and might have eaten some toffee this afternoon (my bad) but ditto was around. However that is DRAMATICALLY less crap than I usually eat at my desk!

Todays schedule calls for a 25 min run and I also have a body balance class booked to focus body and mind for Sundays fast approaching 10km. I am really excited about it this year- last year I was woefully unprepared and hadn't quite "got" running yet, whereas I have run 10km a number of times now so the distance doesn't scare me any more and the buzz was amazing (despite the fact I couldn't really enjoy last year cos I felt literally DEAD at the end and was trying not to puke and/or fall over.

In fact, I'll let you into a secret- between km's about 6 and 9.5 last year I HATED it. My old foot injury was playing up,I was crying with the pain, and my internal monologue was REALLY hacked off with me for even attempting such a feat when I am old, fat and not brilliantly healthy. St Johns ambulance were circling me on their bikes like vultures waiting for an elderly mammal to keel over so they could peck over its ample flesh............

 I was furious with myself for even attempting the race, my proud self was furious at how slow I was compared to others and why was I humiliating myself like that when I could be IN THE PUB.........I ALWAYS win at drinking. Im brilliant at falling over, making hilarious jokes and leading everyone onto the dance floor. WHY do I want to be cavorting about with these lycra clad WEIRDOES that are better than me purely because they are SADCASES???

Fast forward a year and I am happy to sad up and say yes, I am a lycra clad weirdo! I own a Garmin GPS running watch, I go to (super weirdo haven I thought ) Parkrun, I have a foam roller, I have a subscription to Womens Running Magazine AND I read it, and I pay what used to be good drinking money for race entries!

This is thanks to #ThisMumRuns who proved to me that runners are nice, and supportive and the only person thats bothered about my lastness/slowness is ME. It took me about 4 months to trust and believe that they weren't laughing at me, I wasn't the "token fatty", and these wonderful women were actually rooting for me and on the same journey. Its been a hell of a learning curve and all my fear of "proper" runners was exactly that- fear. And lack of confidence which running is improving every day.

Now........what knickers am I going to wear under my lycra for sundays 10km?.........

A sweaty breathless beginning

Well I have ticked run session number one off the Half Marathon training plan. It was a 20  minute "easy run". Well having had a huge crisis of running confidence over he last couple of weeks I have just realised according to my Garmin I haven't run since May 8th. Thats disgusting! But also ha! Its a lie!  I did a 6km trail run with the TMR (ThisMumRuns) girls but it was in the (cow infested) forest so my Garmin wouldn't connect........

Half Marathon training starts, T6 days till 10k and carbohangover

Well today I officially start my half marathon training. I have downloaded the training plan from the RunBristol website and today I begin. Im pleased to announce today DOESN'T involve running (as I tripped over a curb on saturday and have smashed up both my knees, my feet and one toe- so sore and a huge dent to the pride)  but core fitness so I will be doing a yoga dvd later with my VERY jet lagged husband who has just landed after 11 days in Barbados.
I also have weighed myself and am very upset with the results after a girly 4 day trip away in which we basically ate carbs, and drank alcohol, then another week on my own with 4 kids where I, um, ate carbs, and takeaways, and ate desserts, and ice cream, and bread, and hey, alcohol!! I am so bloated, and tired and puffy and did I mention tired?

I would like to lose weight- To get down to a comfortable size 12 I need to lose 4 stone, or 54lbs. Wow. Scary written down. I am going to eat as clean as possible, snacking on fruit or veg, cutting out processed food and white refined carbs. Im going to stick with high fat in terms of cheese, nuts, and yoghurt etc but the pizza, bread and crisps I have been relying on are going.
Today is day one and I will weigh myself on a Friday morning , blogging the lbs lost.

I need to be accountable so please, let me be accountable here!

For Real This Time

Ok so having just re read that post from 3 years ago has reminded me that I never did do that half, and guess what? Im older, fatter, probably slower.
HOWEVER....... I have been a REAL runner for 6 months now!! I do park runs and everything. Yep, at Ashton Court with all those knob ends in lycra running up a banging great big hill at 9am on a saturday morning.
It all started with a C25K course in January. We couldn't run for a minute, but run we did through rain, hail and menopausal sweats. I am doing my 2nd 10Km run in 2 weeks time and have run 10km twice in the last month just as a "practice"

Now heres the thing. I am still very slow, but now, along with my fab running friends I run regularly and enjoy it. I have just signed up for the Half Marathon this year and have entered the ballot for the London Marathon.

There is a problem. I am very overweight. My BMI currently stands at ridiculously obese and this needs to change to improve my running and general health.
I am starting 13 weeks half marathon training next week and would really like a platform to track my (hopeful) progress.

SO here goes.........