Woman down

This picture shows my foot 5 years ago. I was quite innocently dancing in my back garden at my 2 year olds birthday party and I fell over. Originally we thought I'd just twisted my ankle (direct quote from Lovely Husband "get up! Youre such a drama queen youve only sprained your ankle!"
 Little did we know. I could tell the whole sorry tale but suffice to say it was a wee bit more than a sprained ankle and I was to face extensive surgery and 9 months non weight bearing.
I had suffered a Lisfranc Fracture (normally an injury associated with falling off a horse and foot being trapped in the stirrup, NOT (badly) salsa dancing in your back garden in barefeet on seemingly innocent decking).....

From wiki:

Treatment

Options include operative or non-operative treatment. If the dislocation is less than 2 mm, the fracture can be managed with casting for six weeks.^[12] The patient's injured limb cannot bear weight during this period. For severe Lisfranc injuries, open reduction with internal fixation (ORIF) and temporary screw or Kirschner wire (K-wire) fixation is the treatment of choice.^[13] The foot cannot be allowed to bear weight for a minimum of six weeks. Partial weight-bearing may then begin, with full weight bearing after an additional several weeks, depending on the specific injury. K-wires are typically removed after six weeks, before weight bearing, while screws are often removed after 12 weeks.^[13]
When a Lisfranc injury is characterized by significant displacement of the tarsometatarsal joint(s), nonoperative treatment often leads to severe loss of function and long-term disability secondary to chronic pain and sometimes to a planovalgus deformity. In cases with severe pain, loss of function, or progressive deformity that has failed to respond to nonoperative treatment, mid-tarsal and tarsometatarsal arthrodesis (operative fusion of the bones) may be indicated.<sup>[14]

I was lucky I escaped having my bones fused but only just. The surgeon said the repair may last 10 years and I face the bones being fused in the future.

Anyway enough about that whats happened now? Well I have to be careful with my foot as it can still be quite painful and if you remember a week before the 10 k I fell in the street, and landed on my knees, and the top of my feet causing cuts and bruising to the central scar on my foot. I went for a run a week ago and my whole inner calf came up in bruising. This has happened a couple of times before and its very painful. I was advised to abort the run and to go and get it checked out asap.
Eventually (after my running buddy Plum telling me she was not speaking to me until I got and get it seen to!) I went to see a wonderful sports physio Claire Treen (https://twitter.com/clairetreen) who has had a good look and diagnosed me with tears in my calf and a very unhappy injured foot.

SO what now? Well 4-6 weeks rest from running *howl of anguish* and some exercises to do, and another appt on the 29th. However I am signed up for a 10k on the 28th, so what to do? You can drop down to the 5k on the day and we figured if I rest up between  now and then and go for the 5k option with tape and sensiblilty I should be able to take part. I have been doing a lot of swimming this last week or so and going to HIIT classes to get stronger. So Ishall be keeping up the swimming, and resting, and stretching foot with a big green elastic band and icing and being sensible..........

Notr sure what this means for the half marathon. I might have to aim for a 2016 half...............I will think on it</sup> 

Excuse me! I think thats MY mojo

Ok so there has been some serious mojo losing going on over here. After the 10km and then the abysmal run afterwards I have a confession to make. I haven't been running since :(
Doomy Delores has taken up residence in my head. She has been heckling me for still being overweight (see! I didn't use the F.A.T word) cos everyone knows if you take up running the weight just *falls* off you............and it HASN'T. I have convinced myself that I am not a runner, everyone is laughing at me, I can't run cos I'm slow bla la la

It would appear, looking at my group of running buddies posts on FB that its not just me. Maybe its a post 10k thing, a bit like post wedding, post baby, post anything massive! An anti climax?

Ironically a lot of us are doing another 10k in 3 weeks time but we seem to have forgotten that fact!

Anyway this evening I decided (with the help of some positivity from my running friends) I decided to go for a run. Not 10k, not 5k, just a loop from my house and back and see how it goes. I decided to lower my distance and work on my speed cos I am a SLOW runner. I need to speed up for some PB's, for weight loss, for ME.

The first km I was a lot speedier than usual, but I was gasping like an upturned turtle and grunting like a warthog. I knew I was, despite having noise cancelling earphones in. Some poor woman jumped out of her skin as I snorted up behind her at a bus stop! I then decided that I would just do 1km and turn round and go back. Yes, 2km, that'll do.
There was, however, a huge arson attack close to us last night, and the rubbernecker in me got the better of me- I decided to keep running so I could have a nose at the arson scene (a kids adventure playground- mindless idiots) I was still trying to keep my speed up and it hurt! I was trying not to check my garmin every 3 seconds and just enjoy but I was pleased to see that I was a lot faster than average. I then thought I might as well keep going as I could do a loop back home, and it didn't matter if I walked some.

Then I got to a hill. A downhill. And I decided to run down it. Not jog down it, not plod down it, but actually run. Like a kid does. Running for the sake of running. Some of my best running moments have been when Ive felt like I was a child running for the joy of it, like we all used to. So I trotted down the hill at a speedy pace. I realised that I was scared of falling over. I broke my foot 5 years ago and had extensive surgery to pin it back together. It still hurts often and Ive realised that I favour it and it adds to my lack of speed, especially on uneven ground.

I then came to the homeward journey that I knew involved quite a steep hilly bit. I thought, oh well, I'll run up it but a new character came into my head. Competitive Caz! Me! Competitive against myself. I snuck a look at my Garmin and realised I was still going pretty speedily compared to usual and decided that I would run as much as I could up the hill. I puffed, I snorted, I gasped, I groaned. I know this will hurt tomorrow but Im looking forward to it. Ive got comfortable being the slow one, plodding round at my own pace. But I want to speed up! I want to sweat, to puff, to grunt, to ache.
Competitive Caz is here! I am going to push myself harder as I have grabbed that mojo and I don't ever want to let it go.......

By the way- I did 4km in 34.19 mins

Fat and its associated friends

In a single day I can swing from "fat and happy": "Im only a size 16! I was a size 14 when i got married 12 years ago, AND I've had 3 babies since"
To fat and sad: "I am DISGUSTING. I am a SIZE 16. I am 5' 5". My BMI makes me very nearly dead. I must lose at least 6 stone to be a worthy member of the human race"

I can wake up Paleo, be on Slimming World by 11am, Weightwatchers by lunchtime, and Atkins by tea.
I have diet books on my shelves from (off the top of my head) Weightwatchers, Slimming World, Harcombe, Juice bloke Jason thingy, Hairy Bikers, terriAnn123, Fat Diet, Sugar free diets, Fasting .........................

My head is completely done in by all the different options, conflicting advice and new plans coming out every 5 minutes. I have looked up Gastric surgery, I have toyed with VLCD (Very low calorie diets), I have drunk shakes that taste like the foam in a sewer.

I have called myself horrid names. I have apologised to my husband for being so gross and how he is stuck with me. I have accused him of coming to bed after me so he doesnt have to look at my grotesqueness. (He was watching the cycling) I have watched my 6 year old daughter squeeze her non existant belly and say "God, Im sooooo fat". (learned behaviour or what)

It makes me so sad. Yes being overweight (and I AM overweight) is bad for your health. BUT why am I so mean to myself? I would never talk to someone else the way I talk to me in my head. I can be utterly vile to myself. Sat in front of the mirror poking my rolls of flab when I bend over (FYI my 11 year old football mad super slinky son has rolls when he bends over- its called SKIN. It covers your skeleton. You'dbe a bit nippy without it!)

The simple answer is a simple equation of calories in/ calories out. Eat less, move more. 

Why then is it so hard..................

Rubbish Runs. We all have them/Polly and Delores........

Last night I went for my first post 10k run. According to my training schedule I had to do a 30 minute easy run. Well to be fair everything was still hurting from the 10k and I chose a route that started with an uphill stretch. It was blowing a gale and I just wasn't feeling it.At 27 minutes I had to give up and limp home feeling really pissed off and angry with running as a whole. I decided it was a fluke that I ever got round the 10km and I could never run again, let alone the half marathon.

I have never had a hobby that makes me feel so schizophrenic in my life. I love running, I really do. I couldn't do it if I didn't, but I also hate it. There are two voices that live in your head when you are a runner. There is the one that pushes you, makes you get out there and do it and is your biggest champion. Lets call her Positive Polly. Positive Polly is sunshine, happiness and a forever positive outlook. She's the one who gets you putting your running gear on and believing you CAN do these distances, you can improve and you ROCK. She is the bit of you that makes "I love running" type boards on Pinterest, makes you subscribe to running mags and makes you get up at 6.30 am on a Sunday morning to stand around freezing to death in a vest top and a binbag, before running 10k having paid thirty odd quid for the privilege........

Then there is Doomy Delores. Doomy Delores is with me on most runs, if she allows me to get there in the first place. Delores also lives in my head and her biggest source of entertainment is, in layman terms, to piss on my proverbial bonfire. Often Delores is so much louder than Polly you don't get off the sofa at all. Delores will tell you you are fat, so fat that running isn't worth it. She tells you you're too tired, too old, too busy. If you ignore her enough to get out and run she will tell you you are crap, slow, embarrassing yourself. She'll tell you running is a waste of time, you look like a twat, everyone is laughing at you and its a waste of time. Delores likes to do nothing. She loves negativity and is a liar. She despises Polly and tries to trip her up at all times.

I think as runners we all have a Polly and Delores. In fact in most aspects of our life we have a Polly and a Delores. I am going to try my hardest to focus on and channel my Polly in my running. Ive spent too long giving headspace to Delores and she's a goner!!!!