Running makes your brain wake up

This morning my schedule stated a 35min run/walk (I LOVE a schedule that actively encourages you

to not ACTUALLY die by adding ALLOWED walking) so I set off to take Grace to school, do my 35

mins, then get back to school in time for the harvest festival at 10.......... SO on went my garmin, I

saddled up the dog, tunes on, headphones at the ready ANDDDDDD the teacher at the gate told me

the harvest festival was in fact at half nine. Bugger I thought- I can't go running (YEE HAH screamed

the fat lazy me) but the sensible, determined me said "STFU- you can get a run in- its 8.45, run this

route and you can get home, shove the dog in and leg it up to school and the run will be DONE" so I

did.

I pushed myself a bit more, ran a bit faster and discovered my dog Fifi is a NATURAL at running

with me on the lead. Fab motivation she won't take no for an answer when it comes to her walks so I

might as well run them :)

I made it to the harvest festival EXTREMELY sweaty but SO FLIPPING SMUG. The harvest festival

was fab there was a huge amount of donations for the food bank, the kids sang beautifully and it was very traditional as it is a C of E school. They sang songs that I remember from primary school

harvest  festivals and they even had the local priest from the church affiliated to the school to bless

the harvest loaf.

I then realised that Grace is my last child at Primary school. I have two at seniors and one at

University. How did this happen? I can remember MY primary school days like yesterday.

Then the baby years, the toddler years - have all gone in a flash. I will never get them back. Its very

easy to look back with rose tinted specs but it is hard. It is relentless. The first post birth poo is a

memory you never forget (and I've had FOUR). Childhood illnesses, trips to hospital, bumped heads,

strange rashes that clear up the MINUTE you hit the waiting room. Starting nursery, that first nativity

when you think you will never stop sobbing at the angels with coat hanger halos, the random

spidermen, and of course, Little Donkey...........

I wanted to do a half marathon by the time I was 40, but real life and my own ill health got in the

way. I have now booked to do one on March 12th next year, which incidentally is my 3rd babies 12th

birthday, and 5 wish weeks before I turn 41 so I should just squeeze it in before my 40th year runs

out!

Ive chosen to do it and its going to be hard. The training, the actual event. Im not even sure Im

capable. BUT if I don't do it now the next 10 years will have passed, in the blink of an eye. I don't

know how my health is going to pan out- SO far so good since my resection but the surgeon was

eager to stress that when you have surgery for Crohns the first surgery is just that- the FIRST, thus meaning you will more than likely have more.

So, carpe diem, seize the day, run that run, watch that harvest festival while you are still told

"Mummy, don't be late and sit where you can see me" as I currently haven't seen daughter number

one for 7 weeks and I'm counting down another 7 until she comes home from Uni.........

Back In the Game??

I think I could be!
SO I haven't run for a very long time........I had the small detail of my perforated bowel, then sepsis, then my bowel resection operation and associated recovery and then I got scared. I have done a couple of little runs, a half hearted attempt at C25K again and have been going to the gym a bit but running has become a scary elephant in the room that I can't contemplate....

However with the group Too Fat Too Run I am taking part in a pilot scheme about upping your speed, and the first "task" is to run a baseline 5km to get your, well, baseline time to start from. This became an insurmountable task in my head and I have been putting it off and putting it off. Today, with some encouragement from the TFTR ladies I decided to bite the bullet and do it. I planned a 2.5km there and 2.5km back route (psychologically great as halfway through and you're on the homeward bound stretch) and off I went.....

I headed out the door looking like some sort of weird running gadget one man band, with my garmin on one wrist, fitbit on the other and my phone mapping my run strapped to my arm. Thank god I decided to map my run as 200 yards down the road my garmin battery died (I think its making a stand against lack of use) I whacked my headphones in with my old 10km playlist on to remind myself that at one point 18 short months ago I would go out and run 10km as a training run for fun.

Gosh running is hard when you haven't for a while but also isn't it fun! I was hot, cold, sweaty, panting and people had the audacity to look at me! I mean they must see millions of size 18 women, the wrong size of 40 wearing green leopard print leggings and a lime green t-shirt bearing the slogan "Too Fat To Run?" panting their way down the street all the time.  I ran past the local dodgy pub and gave a cheery wave to the bloke outside in his mobility scooter with his pint, I ran past Lidl and imagined I looked all inspiring as I ran. I ran past the scores of people smoking at the hospital gates, I ran past a lady getting out of a taxi by an old peoples home whose legs were so swollen I don't know how she could stand. I thanked the universe that I could run, I thanked the universe that I gave up smoking 3.5 years ago when I had a plume of Benny Hedges finest blown in my face. I thanked my surgeon for my surgery. I also thought the following things:

*Running sucks- its for arseholes
*Why the fuck do I even want to run? Surely I have better ways of spending my time
*Maybe I could take up another easier hobby, say lion taming or swimming the channel
*Stupid fat cow, you'll never lose weight, you're a laughing stock. You are so slow and you keep having to walk
*Oooh Actually I can! This is for ME. I deserve this. I can do this. I can work from this baseline and make a difference to my body and health, physical and mental.

So my baseline 5km came in at 44mins. That was a run, walk, wobble so I am working on improving that now Ive realised I CAN get out there and I CAN do this.

Now the big question is do I sign up for the half marathon next March that keeps popping up everywhere I go on line, taunting me and tempting me.............

My partially empty nest

SO yesterday we took the Eldest to Falmouth to start her University career. I have spent the last 3 weeks listening to slipping through my fingers and feeling really really apprehensive at the forthcoming separation.

I must say the last few days leading up to her departure were AWFUL- everyone was on the knife edge of temper, and in true teenage style she prioritised saying goodbye to her friends 56 times each over sorting out her room, getting stuff ready and generally being involved in the physical moving work. By Thursday I had gone from total devastation to knowing full well why some species eat their own young :0

So eventually Saturday rolled around- we left the younger 3 with Granny and we packed her and all her belongings onto the van with myself, husband and Dog. We had a really good run down to Cornwall and had a right giggle and I had no need for tissues at all. We arrived at Falmouth Campus and it was running like clockwork- they had loads of people directing you to the correct car parks and everyone was really friendly. It is a gorgeous campus- everything is on site so they are very contained and therefore it feels very safe. It looks more like Center Parcs than a campus!

We went to the student union and she had to go down and collect her flat keys and freshers week stuff and they had very kindly laid on tea and coffee for the parents in the upstairs bar. I went up there to pop to the loo and I don't know what finally tipped me over the edge but it was just so REAL. I ended up locking myself in a cubicle and just howling like a wounded animal. How could I leave her here? 5 minutes ago I was in Southmead hospital buttoning her into her little yellow newborn cardigan.  She was starting school, she was going to parties at soft play, learning to ride a bike and playing Singstar! It went against all my instincts to leave her in this strange place in a huge flat full of strangers. She might starve, she might be scared and lonely and its my job to protect her from the big scary world.

I tried to hold it together as she came out, fizzing with excitement clutching her student card, that states she is studying for a BA in Photography *proud* I didn't want to weep and wail and either upset her or make her feel sad. We went and found her accommodation and met some of her flatmates. They were all nice and the whole place was full of excited teams and red eyed, gritted teeth parents. We decided just to unload her and disappear- we wanted to let her get on with it without us trying to remain cheerful and our dog who shouldn't have been in the accommodation anyway!

Goodbye was hard- it felt like dropping her off on holiday- this summer she has been to Portugal, Wales and a festival in Cornwall and didn't come on our annual family holiday so the separating has been slowly working itself in, quietly and without too much pomp! It didn't sink in that we are not going to see her until Christmas and that she now lives there. She is very mature and sensible and I am so happy she has got there- her ultimate goal was photography at Falmouth and she worked her socks off to gain her A* at A level and secure her place. But surely, surely she should be playing on her Nintendo DS and letting me do her hair ready for starting high school.

Another feeling I battled with all day was a weird sense of disappointment that I myself never did the Uni thing. I left home when I was 17 and three years later was attending scans an antenatal appointments as she burst into my life. I have NO regrets and wouldn't change anything but I can just tell Uni is going to be a BLAST and seeing her starting out, in a lovely shared flat with nice new mates and a whole new experience of her course looks like SO MUCH FUN! jealous!

We're back home now and her next youngest sibling has already merrily moved into her room. My younger three are 12,11 and 7 so the nest is by no means empty! It feels no different as she was so often out but every now and again I remember she's living there not here and I lose my breath, just for a minute. The invisible umbilical cord stretches a little more, and my heart aches. Then Pride floods back in and silences the fear, worry and sadness. Pride is getting stronger, pride and excitement of watching the journey unfold. Christmas and a visit home seems a long way off but it will quickly come round and we will be reunited to hear about all her adventures and exciting new life........

So its been a while............

And wow what a year. I finally had my Bowel Resection surgery on May 18th as planned and it was a great success. I didn't have the stoma I was marked up for 3 days before the surgery, they managed to do all they needed laparoscopically so my scarring is as minimal as it could be and my recovery was as quick as it could be. But after my surgery I was SO ILL! I had a morphine pump the night after the surgery and apparently I pressed the button 65 times that night. I also had a central line in my neck which had 3 ports leading into my heart to take out blood and put in drugs, an oxygen tube up my nose and a catheter! My friend Steph came in to visit me the night after I came up from theatre and I was able to pose for selfies with her, give everyone a grin and a thumbs up before I slept off my anaesthetic..............However the next day they took away my morphine pump and I started the Vomit Days. OMG was I ever sick. My friend Steph came back to visit again with her husband and I was literally too ill to see them. I heard her going back down the corridor going "But she was FINE yesterday! I don't understand" I believe I was fine due to the morphine :) I continued to be sick for 4 more days and completely lost my appetite. As Ive spoken about in this blog before I LOVE my food and I couldn't eat ANYTHING. The staff were encouraging me to eat and I just couldn't. I couldn't even eat a quarter of a slice of toast or the chocolate goodies my mum bought in. Eventually I managed to eat some Rice Krispies and I don't even like cereal..........

Anyway its now 14 weeks from my operation and my scars are pretty well healed and I have rejoined the gym and actually started running again in the last month. I have just signed up for a 5km at the end of October as something to aim for. The kids ago back to school this week and I feel really ready to get back on the fitness wagon. My oldest daughter goes off to uni for the first time on Saturday *sob* and Im using not seeing her until christmas to shift some weight and get my fitness back up.

I have to have a colonoscopy in December to see if there is any sign of inflammation, and therefore my crohns being back. I feel so well compared to before the op that Im really hoping and praying that it hasn't come back.

So- my plan is as follows....back to walking the dog every day - Im aiming for 5km, Carry on running with the Sweatshop Running Community on a Weds eve, Go back to the gym for my dance class on a Thursday, Body Combat on a Friday and then weights etc in the gym as and when.

Its nice to be back...........

PICC lines and pink shrimps

Monday pm: so,after a terrible weekend where all my veins failed so I had no access in (drugs) or out (bloods) today I finally got a PICC line fitted. This is port that goes in a vein in your arm directly into your chest that they can put iv in, and take blood out. It can stay in situ for a year and is painless once in.
Prior to having this though I have been unable to have my iv drugs and have deteriorated rapidly. Yesterday I reached the stage where I couldn't even tolerate Fortisip- the enteral meal replacement I've been supposed to be having as it was so painful and was coming straight out, almost instantly.
I had numerous attempts to cannulate me and was sore, dehydrated, and very unhappy, woozy on morphine and so weak.
 I was very nervous about the PICC being placed- it involves ultrasound, local anaesthetic, a scapel and feeding 49cm of tube up a vein into your chest. Not my fave way to spend a Monday afternoon. Adding to the stress was my awful condition, my low mood and the anticipation of waiting all day for the PICC Man to arrive ( I was number 6 on a list of 6) my husband stayed with me all day and was fab at keeping me calm throughout the long awaited and thankfully relatively painless procedure when it happened.

I feel now like the sun has come out a bit! I just had (loads) of blood taken and didn't feel a THING. I have a couple of tubes hanging out of my arm but it's so much more comfy than a failing cannula and dozens of cannulation attempts. My lowest ebb was 11.45 last night when an anaesthetist, complete with ultrasound machine , couldn't find my vein to cannulate me, and there was blood dripping out of another failed attempt on the floor, the bed, her, me.......a low point.

Tuesday  2.15pm
What a change! Now I have the PICC fitted and am getting the correct drugs I have perked up 100 fold. My blood tests are normal indicating the infection and inflammation is lowering and going. It has been decided we will aim for my op date of 18th may with a view to weaning me off the steroids and getting as well as I can for the op in the meantime, thus dramatically I creasing my chances of laparoscopic surgery, quicker recovery and no stoma bag.

I am now allowed to eat. After 6 days of not eating this is a Very Big Thing. My legend of a sister bought me in some home made macaroni cheese last night (when we still weren't entirely sure if I was allowed to eat- I may have been slightly economical with relaying the drs words) and it was like an elixir of all the deities sitting in my tummy and restoring me to my happy well fed self! Even cornelius carbonara would not have tasted that good.
I will remain on a low residue diet until my op- low residue is any food that doesn't leave a residue in you and can be digested easily. It is odd as it goes against all our conditioned ideas of "healthy eating" as I am having to eat white not wholemeal, processed white carbs, no fibre, no skins, nuts, seeds. Things the gut doesn't have to work to hard to process. I will be working with a dietician to establish this and sort out the calories I need etc to get me in "peak condition" for the surgery (peak condition makes me think I should enter Crufts while I'm at it)

I am now exhausted by the small exercise of eating a white bread, plain chicken sandwich but I never ever realised it would taste THAT GOOD.............

Ps: re reading the title there is a reason behind the pink shrimps. On day 5 of not eating, in an act of reckless rebellion I removed from the packet and licked one pink shrimp sweet. It was the most delicious lick of a sweet that ever existed. And all the better as it was forbidden

Bed sores, bleach and bad days

i had oramorph for breakfast. I would have preferred a bacon roll but after a relatively settled night after they took out my painful cannula, I took off my horrid TED stockings (rebel) I read my book, fell asleep and slept almost quite well........
Then I woke up. In pain. Ow. So oramorph and two cannula attempts it was. No success with cannula but I have a bed sore on my elbow for ultimate granny chic (beat that, hipsters). Slept again. More cannula attempts, drugs given orally as I have no veins left to cannulate.
My Dr came and has called on call Dr who I am awaiting. Punctuation Caz. Not Dr who.
Feel bloody awful. Fed up of being cheerful. Wish I'd lingered over my last supper toast a bit more -5 days ago.
Today I'm all about the smells. Nice nurse smelt of apples and had a really nice snake print hair clip I concentrated on as she tried to cannulate me. Another one smelt of citrus. Then Bleach Man cleaned my room and I thought I'd gone to a swimming pool. I've had my eyes shut most of today so I guess that's what's heightened the smell thing. Also the reassuring probing of gloved hands trying to find my veins was a comfort when your hurting and scared.
I'm still allowed my beloved black coffee and can no longer taste if they've added sugar or not (I don't take it)
When on oramorph this morning I created myself a guardian angel - needless to say he was made out of food. This is the rambling of opiates so bear with. He is called cornelius carbonara and is made mostly of Italian food. He has a bay leaf wreath in his spaghetti hair. A pizza face with black olive eyes, and prawn nose and red pepper lips. Pepperoni red cheeks. Big baguette arms with calamari bangles. A spun sugar white gown and huge white wings. Chi-chi gold sandals.

When I get out of here I think I might eat him.

The hospital at night

The hospital that night was a strange place is my fourth night so weird it's quiet on the flipside really busy. Footsteps up and Down the corridor, the rattles of the trolleys of instruments and drugs. Every now and again someone presses the buzzer. I have a drip in my arm so there's no walking away from illness for me. I am currently receiving three different IV antibiotics, IV steroids,IV fluids . On the last count I have had four cannulas inserted but I have bruises evidencing the 10+ attempts to cannulate me that have been made elsewhere. I have hidden small veins which are very hard to cannulate  and some of my veins have started to collapse.
My hand where my drip is is really stinging and the pump keeps failing as I move around trying to get comfortable.
I'm also on a liquid only diet. Yesterday I was in nil by mouth so this is marginally better but not much! I can drink water I can drink fortisip which is a weird meal replacement drink it comes in a number of exotic flavour - bearing in mind this is a milkshake type thing I currently have a tropical flavour and a banana flavour. Who is ever heard of tropical flavoured milkshake

. I love eating eating I am real foodie I love to cook for the people I love to try new recipes I find cooking and eating a real pleasure and nurturing. From newborn infants we are taught that our lives  routines revolve around mealtimes.when we have a baby one of the first thing  we establish is a feeding routine, toddlers we placate and comfort with snacks and bribes. We fill lunchboxes for children with healthy nutritious food we are bombardedwith recipes in magazines newspapers and TV cooking programmes. And I can't eat!

I've seen every hour pass tonight. Really struggling to sleep with the drip, the noise, the horrid sheets and plastic mattress. I feel dirty and smell like a hospital

Apologies for typos- I have a drip in right hand so typing is ardourous but it helps to get it out of my head and into here. I'm not sure what the plan is currently. I have a date for my bowel resection operation in 8 weeks time but that's a long limbo to fill. I have a partial bowel obstruction and a perforation on my bowel. Both very serious conditions that need close monitoring. The drs change the goal posts every day the surgeon says one thing, registrar another, consultant another. They are all lovely and so dedicated but it is very frustrating being in bed, away from my gorgeous family with no firm plan in hand.
I am weeing in pots that are shaped like sombreros (Ar-wee-baa?) so they can measure my output and was wearing paper pants until my mum and sister came with emergency pants supplies :) my dignity is down the road somewhere